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Family & Friends
 At Rader Programs we understand that
eating disorders not only affect the disordered individual but also the person's
relationships with others. Those who care the most, are often those most affected.
Oftentimes, relationships with family members and friends are severely damaged as
a result of the eating disorder. Communication within the family is often strained
and sometimes non-existent. Feelings of anger, fear, sadness, shame, guilt and abandonment
run rampant in the affected family. Family and friends are often concerned but do
not know what to do. The following is a partial guideline for families and friends
to assist in the recovery from an eating disorder.
It's Not Your Fault. Eating disorders are diseases
and are not caused by family, friends or even the eating disordered individual themselves.
There is no simple cause of eating disorders nor is there a simple cure. It is not
possible to force an Anorexic to eat, prevent a Bulimic from purging, or stop a
Compulsive Overeater from bingeing. Family and friends often feel they must take
on responsibility for the eating disorder, which is something they truly have no
control over. The guilt associated with this misplaced responsibility can become
paralyzing at times. Once you, as a family member or friend, have accepted that
the eating disorder is not anyone's fault, you can be freed to take action that
is honest and not clouded by what you "should" or "could" have done.
Being There. Eating disorders can be viewed
as a survival mechanism. Even though it may be difficult to understand, the practice
of an eating disorder may give the effected individual a feeling of security. Just
as an alcoholic uses alcohol to cope, a person with an eating disorder can use eating,
purging or restricting to deal with their problems. Some of the underlying intra-personal
issues that attribute to an eating disorder include low self-esteem, depression,
feelings of loss of control, feeling worthless, identity concerns, and inability
to cope with emotions. The practice of an eating disorder may be an expression of
something that the eating disordered individual has found no other way of expressing.
For many the practice of an eating disorder is their cry for help. You may be the
one who has to initiate the conversation as often the eating disordered person feels
afraid, unsafe or even that they do not deserve the help. As a family member or
friend, you can help them by empathetically listening and finding out their perspective
of the situation. To empathize with someone you need not agree with their perspective,
but you must listen to them in a nonjudgmental way. You can listen empathetically
by attempting to understand the other person's feelings through relating similar
feelings you have had through related experiences. Practice active listening. In
active listening, the receiver tries to understand what the sender is trying to
portray. The receiver then puts what they understand the sender has said into their
own words and reiterates the message back to the sender. It will be healing and
comforting for the person to share her or his own perspective without feeling judged.
Eating disordered individuals often feel that if they were truthful about their
disease, family members and friends would abandon them. Acknowledgement, acceptance
and understanding can go a long way.
Share Your Feelings. Be honest with the person
and let them know how the eating disorder is effecting your life. Try speaking from
your own experience and using "I" statements. Rather than stating "you're too thin"
or "you're killing yourself" tell the person how you feel. "I'm scared and I feel
like I'm losing you" or " I heard you throwing up in the bathroom and I'm afraid"
are statements that share the feelings that you are experiencing. Avoid assigning
blame, remember eating disorders are diseases and not a matter of willpower. In
addition to feelings of concern, you may be experiencing feelings of anger and resentment.
These are natural and can be expressed without making the eating disordered person
feel abandoned. "Sometimes I get so angry and frustrated seeing you slowly kill
yourself, because I'm concerned and I don't know what to do" is an example of such
a statement.
More Than Their Weight. When someone you care
about is losing or gaining large amounts of weight or participating in dangerous
purging activities it is difficult to not focus solely on these issues. Eating disorders
do have serious and potentially fatal medical consequences that should not be ignored.
But concentrating only on these physical issues can leave the eating disordered
individual feeling misunderstood and ignored when it comes to their emotional pain.
Often, they are already obsessed with their weight, appearance and food. Any comments
regarding these issues will usually be heard as negative or may possibly cause the
person to feel guilt. Eating disordered individuals need to be related to in areas
other then their weight and eating. Make yourself available for these intimate conversations.
Concern regarding the emotional well-being of a person with an eating disorder will
be paramount in their eventual recovery.
Don't Give Up. Denial of the disorder and downplaying
the seriousness of their behaviors is common with eating disordered individuals.
Be prepared for strong reactions from the eating disordered person. Anger, embarrassment,
withdrawal and betrayal are all emotions that the eating disordered person may use
to hide their true feeling of terror of losing their perceived sense of control,
that the eating disorder affords them. Although, it may seem that the effort and
concern you are imparting is falling on deaf ears, do not resign yourself to the
eating disorder. Possibly, the eating disordered individual is just not ready to
hear the message at that time but the next time they just might be ready. Also,
the cumulative effect of hearing similar things from different people can help get
the message through.
Find Education and Support. Do not try and handle
the eating disorder on your own. Eating disorders are serious diseases that if left
untreated can be deadly. Ten percent of all eating disorders lead to death. For
this reason professional support is often warranted. Make an appointment to see
a counselor and offer to accompany the person to the appointment. You can also recommend
books and educational materials on eating disorders. Many communities offer support
groups for eating disorders. Overeaters' Anonymous (OA) and the National Association
of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders (ANAD) can be found in the phonebook
or as links on our website. You may also want to consider getting support for yourself.
Find a counselor, friend or support group where you can receive support for what
you are going through. The eating disorder did not develop overnight nor will recovery
take hold overnight. So remember to be patient, recovery takes time.
For more information or to arrange for a free confidential consultation, call
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