Talk With Your Mouth Full

They suddenly sit in silence, as the waitress walks over to the booth with their food. The conversation about all she missed ceases that second. All eyes are aimed at her. Acknowledging her order, she reaches to meet the waitress’ extended arm, the plate transferred from one to the other. Setting it in the space in front of her, the tension and anxiety build. She senses their fear, their hope, and their held, bated breath. Will she eat? Will she eat enough? Will she rush to the restroom after eating? Did treatment really help??   

She had listened to them talk, half-heartedly, lost in her thoughts. She had just been through the most life changing, difficult experience of her life and knew there was no way she could convey to them what it was like. And they did not ask much. Instead they ate in silence, watching her every move. Realizing they were analyzing her each and every bite, she became self-conscious, uncomfortable, as bubbles of contained anxiety burst open inside of her.

To eat in silence when you are trying to recover from an eating disorder is often difficult. It may create space for your eating disorder voice to scream out. Mindful eating is important- being able to concentrate on and appreciate, enjoy, and savor the flavors and all aspects of food. But when you are struggling to eat, it can help to have some distraction. Talking about what is being eaten, food, weight, anything eating disorder related, or triggering while eating is not helpful!! But having a conversation about unrelated, neutral, light-hearted or funny things may make it easier to get through a meal successfully. If you don’t know what to say, it may help to find books to use at mealtime that provoke conversation, such as those filled with “what-if” type questions, jokes, riddles, brain teasers, etc. 

Recovery is Earned

I am struck by the irony; dumbfounded and transfixed by the image I see on my computer screen. A tattoo artist drags the buzzing needle over her skin, wiping her blood out of the way, concentrating on creating an intricate, indelible design. A tube protrudes from her stomach, like a misplaced, mechanical umbilical cord. He is careful not to touch too close to it, painstakingly filling in the tattoo. “It’s the recovery symbol for eating disorders” she and her friend inform him. He asks a few questions, thankfully with little judgment and at least an inkling of knowledge on the subject. But no one asks the question that I cannot help but blurt out at the screen, “Why are you getting that NOW?!”

I have met several people with eating disorders that have found it motivating to get similar tattoos. For some, it can be a permanent, constant reminder to work hard, keep trying, and keep fighting to reach or maintain recovery. When you are actively trying to attain or embrace life without an eating disorder, having such a tattoo may be inspirational.
But watching this scene, I could not help but feel like this young woman may have acted prematurely. I thought to myself how heartbreaking it would be if she never did recover, and had to look at that tattoo everyday for the rest of her life, until she faded away, long before the ink. And knowing how hard it is to recover from an eating disorder (far more challenging than losing weight could ever be), I could also feel something in me revolt. Hey, you need to earn that…

 Recovery is an accomplishment that far outweighs (no pun intended!) the small “accomplishments” within an eating disorder. When you step on a scale, and feel a sudden sense of elation upon realizing you’ve lost x pounds, or when you smile to yourself in a dressing room, trying on the smallest size you’ve ever worn, or whatever other small, fleeting feelings of pride, satisfaction, accomplishment, etc. an eating disorder allows, it pales in comparison to being and feeling healthy and truly happy, exactly as you are.

  
For those of us that have struggled through the painful process, for those who have died trying, for those who consider it impossible, for those who today- this very second- are thinking it might just be a good idea to “try” starving, purging, laxatives, or diet pills… If you have a similar tattoo, I urge you to fight to earn the right to call and consider yourself recovered. If you are thinking about getting a tattoo like this, perhaps it could be a gift to yourself upon reaching recovery. Eating disorders are not a fad, phase, or fashion statement. They are serious, life-altering, life-threatening illnesses. If you have or want a tattoo like this, I hope your dedication to recovery is as permanent as the ink ; )   

Anorexia; "With Appetite"

Literally translated, Anorexia Nervosa means "without appetite". I remember reading this early on into my own eating disorder; in a book, in the library, while I tried desperately to figure out what was "wrong" with me. I knew the answer was not in a book. And upon reading that, I remember closing book, sliding it back on the shelf, and thinking to myself, "Well, that's not it..."

Sometimes, we do lose our sensation of hunger. Sometimes, we were never really connected to it even before developing an eating disorder. A child that raises her hand time and time and time again, but is never called on by the teacher, eventually stops raising her hand. When we ignore our need to eat, or eat enough, and we deny, ignore, or fight through the stomach pains, the empty, dizzy, hollowness again and again... Eventually, we may stop receiving the message that we are hungry at all.

But most of us have do an appetite. Starvation affects the brain that way. It is understandable, though often utterly torturous, that people with eating disorders think about, dream about, and fantasize about food incessantly. We may watch cooking shows just to imagine eating the fresh ingredients, every one, one-by-one… and the finished meal when it is combined and done. We may cook for other people, buy food to give as gifts, work with food, stare at pictures in cookbooks, magazines, newspaper fliers, or on other people's plates. The more you starve your body, the more your brain will try to remind you of what it needs.

Believe me, I know, this seems like a major annoyance, hardship, obstacle, etc. when you are trying to have an eating disorder! But it happens for a reason!! People with eating disorders often describe feeling split, torn, as though there are two battling sides within them. I know I strongly felt that way at times. Now, to me, it seems almost self-explanatory why I felt that way. My thoughts were making/keeping my body sick, but my brain could not survive to create those thoughts without food! So thoughts of food infiltrated my every waking (and sleeping) moment, trying to alert me to the signal that I desperately needed to eat, or my thoughts would cease altogether.

If you feel as though you are always thinking about food, if you fear that if you were to start eating you might never stop, if you are constantly fighting cravings or the urge to eat, your brain may very well be trying to tell you something. In recovery, you will find that these thoughts diminish dramatically. Imagine feeling hungry, knowing what you want to eat, eating it without guilt or a second thought, then focusing on other things. It can happen. Rader Programs can help you get there.

“Manorexia”

Recently, I have noticed a positive trend in the media (for a change!). Men seem to be much more often depicted expressing their emotions appropriately through tears and words, rather than through aggression and destruction. First, allow me to applaud this important step....

Now... As with many things, it seems to be one step forward, two steps back. Males are also being subjected to similar negative, damaging messages that have long been inundating females. From the covers of magazines, muscular, bare-chested male models and actors are appearing more and more, representing a standard of attractiveness men are now striving to meet. Commercials and infomercials for hair restoration or removal; penis enlargement or performance enhancement pills; home gyms, workout tapes, fat burning/muscle building shakes, powders, and supplements; sprays, deodorants, and a plethora of self-care products have all been popping up. 

If obliterating millions of women's self-esteem created multi-billion dollar industries (in cosmetics alone! Nevermind diet products, clothing, etc.!), why not try to jump-start the economy by doing the same to men? Why not?!

Well... The term "Manorexia" has been used to describe a type of eating disorder now affecting men and boys. The main claimed differentiation is that males that develop this eating disorder were often overweight at some point in their lives, rather than perceiving themselves to be overweight or fearing becoming overweight. Also, it is asserted that athletic ability, prowess, or performance is often a major contributing factor, whereas with females, the focus tends to be more on appearance and "being thin".

Males with this eating disorder may also eat comparably more or better than females with Anorexia. However, it is important to take into account that males generally need more calories than females, and that athletes need to replenish the reserves they are burning off. Men with this type of eating disorder may also restrict their intake to protein shakes/powders/bars, have rituals and routines surrounding meals and preparation of meals, spend a great deal of time thinking about, planning, and preparing what to eat or drink, and have a tendency to over-exercise. Though someone with this type of eating disorder may not deteriorate to a state of emaciation, as with Anorexia Nervosa, weight loss can be significant; medical, muscular, and orthopedic damage may occur; all aspects of life may suffer, and treatment may be necessary.

If you are struggling with any variation of an eating disorder, the staff at Rader Programs is prepared to help you through it. When food and eating detracts from your life, your experiences, occasions, memories, relationships, health, or well-being, it does not matter what term you use to label it. It is about learning how to let food be a positive part of your life, so you can taste all aspects.   

Recession and Relapse

Counting out the change cupped in her palm, flicking the last three coins over with her fingertip, she realizes she does not have enough. Her car, as empty as she is, sits out by the gas pump, awaiting her decision. The banana nut muffin she planned to eat on the way to her interview sits still on the bright blue countertop by the cash register. Gas or food, gas or food... Not enough for both.

Since losing her job, things have become progressively harder. Almost all day, every day, she works to try to find work. It is a grueling, trying, tedious, thankless, fruitless, stressful job in and of itself. And it pays nothing. In fact, between the gas needed to drop off resumes and applications, copies paid for (dime after dime, one at a time) at the library, a suit and shoes for interviews, etc., trying to find a job, is COSTING her money.

There are no more corners to cut. She spends nothing on anything that is not absolutely necessary or is not related to the goal of getting a job. She can barely pay her bills to keep her home, or to keep the lights and heat on in it. Meeting with her mailbox reduces her to tears on a regular basis. Bill after bill, she is losing everything. Including weight…

"Five on pump seven, please. And I am not going to take the muffin, actually."

Her stomach growls in protest; a last attempt to get her attention, change her mind, cause her to reconsider. When times are tough and money is tight, it can be even more difficult to make sure we are getting the nourishment we need. For those with eating disorders, food may slip further and further down the list of priorities when there are limited resources. For those in recovery, it can trigger the onset of a relapse. When financial constraints lead to a reduced intake, though weight loss may be initially unintentional, it can lead back to an eating disorder. Denying the body's need for food or adequate nutrition can be more easily rationalized when money is going to other things.

          
For an individual recovered or recovering from an eating disorder, the state of the economy may be adding a level of difficulty, making it even harder to take care of oneself. Not only does food cost money, but healthy food generally costs more. People in recovery, often very knowledgeable and informed about nutritional values, content, etc., may be less likely to turn to cheaper alternatives, like fast food, just to eat something. Or, if they do eat these less than healthy choices, they may be triggered to purge.

Further compounding the fight to find or maintain recovery from an eating disorder is the issue of insurance. Insurance companies have long ignored or minimized the seriousness and necessity of providing coverage for treatment of eating disorders. This should not still be an issue! Eating disorders are FATAL illnesses and should be treated accordingly! Adequate, sufficient, EFFECTIVE treatment requires TIME. There is no way around this. And it is time these companies realize their refusal to provide or extend coverage is creating years and years of unnecessary suffering, immeasurable medical damage, and has a ripple effect through our lives (what we leave or ignore to devote to an eating disorder) and our relationships (that are stressed, strained, broken, or neglected because of an eating disorder) out into the world.

I've often heard people with eating disorders rattle off the list of treatment places they have been. It saddens me that we have to go through that. That for many of us, it often can't just be right and be over and done with the first time. In my own experience, as well as countless accounts I have had the privilege of hearing or reading about, insurance is often the reason for leaving treatment. Not because we are ready. And we are often given little warning beforehand; being thrust back into the world, suddenly expected to acclimate using whatever tools we were able to acquire in the time we were allotted. A feeling of readiness, embracing recovery, and wanting to prove to yourself that you ARE ready and able to make it on your own, is obviously ideal before leaving treatment. Yet many of us leave feeling unsure, far from ready, and with eating disordered thinking still intact, behaviors waiting to creep back up on us.

Insurance companies would be far better off, as would the health and lives of their customers (!), if they were to address eating disorders seriously and adequately when they are first diagnosed. Now because of the economic downturn, with so many people unemployed, underemployed, and uninsured, eating disorders may be going untreated altogether. So not only are people struggling to find enough money to eat, therefore making attaining or maintaining recovery more difficult because of triggering unintentional weight loss or forced changes in intake, but lack of insurance may make treatment seem like an impossibility. Rader Programs is committed to the right of treatment for all, regardless of your income, and will work with you to get you the help you need. For the dedicated, passionate staff at Rader Programs, it is not about money at all. It is about helping you get what you need to reclaim your life, your health, and your right to the pursuit of happiness. It is about seeing you succeed.

Open Up

Drool dotted the baby blue paper napkin clipped around her neck. Fluorescent light slapped her in the face, illuminating the cavern of her open mouth. Patiently she waited, her mouth unhinged. Scraping, scratching, screeching sounds echoed through her head as the silver instrument searched around her teeth. Taste buds on her sandpapery tongue detected the distinct taste of blood, like a mouthful of rusty nails. Pain shot through many of her teeth, down into her gums, coursing through her jaw, down her throat, enveloping her entirely. But she remained stolid and still.

Her left hand rested over her right, just above the copper button on her jeans. Carefully she tried to cover the telltale signs of her struggle- the sore scrapes her front teeth had left on the back of her hand… the self-inflicted cuts on her left wrist… Applying pressure to her stomach, she tried to silence or at least muffle the incessant growls that constantly cried from her ignored hunger. 

The dentist’s face loomed over her; his voice seeped out from behind the mask covering his mouth, “Do you suck on lemons??”

The ridiculousness of the question almost made her literally laugh out loud. But the ignorance exemplified by the remark offered her an out, an excuse, an explanation that did not require the difficult truth. The seemingly impossible task of trying to explain to this man, this dentist, this obviously unaware individual, that no, she did NOT suck on lemons, she was Bulimic and had been for years.

No one in her life knew. This dentist had been presented with the opportunity to make the connection, to put two and two together and at least deduce that purging could be the cause of the erosion to her teeth and the dental issues she was experiencing. Perhaps he was not aware of the effects Bulimia Nervosa has on one’s teeth (which is concerning). Perhaps he figured someone else in her life was already aware of her eating disorder (which is irresponsible). Perhaps he was just too afraid of saying the “wrong” thing to even dare to ask (which is sad)… 

In an ideal world, we wouldn’t have eating disorders. But millions of people struggle with them everyday. To ignore obvious indications and to let opportunities to intervene or educate people pass by, just perpetuates the problem, and keeps people suffering in silence, alone. This is not okay. This needs to change.

After swishing and spitting and rinsing the grit from her mouth, watching it circle down the drain, she unclipped her napkin bib and pulled the chain through her hair. Sitting in the chair beside her, while making eye-contact, he asks,

“Are you okay?? While performing your exam I noticed that you have some serious tooth decay, cavities, and sores on your gums… This can be caused by strong stomach acids and can be an indication of self-induced vomiting. If you have an eating disorder and need help or support, I will assist you any way I can. Here is a list of local resources that help individuals with eating disorders. You do not have to say anything about it to me if you’d rather not, but it is my job to care for you, your health, and the health of your teeth. And I see that damage is being done. So I am concerned...”

His compassion and sincerity is clear. He is not judgmental, threatening, or intrusive. She leaves the visit with the understanding that her eating disorder is negatively affecting the health of her teeth and… that people care. She also leaves with a list of people and places where she can turn for help, treatment, support, and guidance.

Many professionals in our society could use an education about eating disorders. It is my belief that it is borderline unethical to not speak up if you suspect a client or patient is struggling with an eating disorder. Dentists, chiropractors, dermatologists, ophthalmologists, gynecologists, and even hair dressers (to name a few) are in a position to possibly recognize if an individual they work with may have an eating disorder. To let these opportunities to offer help and support just pass by, may be preventing people from realizing there is a problem at all, that people really do care, and that there really is hope! It is easy for someone with an eating disorder to continue their behavior if no one is speaking up for them!! When we are already telling ourselves that we are “fine” and we are dispelling warning signs from our own consciousness on a regular basis, it can help to hear the concerns and observations of others.

It is time everyone spoke up and spoke out against eating disorders